Journal Entry 56: How to get back up.
Jesus, if you're not in it, I don't want it.
Journal Entry 56: How to get back up.
Everyone, and I do mean everyone, eventually falls. We stumble into walking at an age most of us can't recall, and from this point on we experience the human humility of falling down. Some falls are floppy, funny things, that we can laugh at as we climb back up onto our feet. Some falls are harsh, painful things that leave bruises on our arms, blood dripping from our lips, and tears in our eyes. These falls are harsh, because getting back up after such a fall can be difficult and even scary. Do we dare trust our legs and feet again with such a task? Most falls, well, they simply are somewhere between the two extremes and it's not the severity of these falls but the amount of them that creates the struggle of mind and body to get back up again and again and again. Yet there’s God’s wisdom in a fall and in the getting back up. Life is taught to us by both, and if we will allow a bit of humility we can learn a lot.
My greatest 2026 fall so far came in February. I began this year with a desire to grow my relationship with Jesus Christ / the holy trinity. I had come to the realization that for years I was basically in a circle of desires to do something of accomplishment but by the end of each year I’d find myself only a couple feet from where I’d began. It was annoying to admit yet impossible to deny. So this year I decided I would change tactics and focus first on Jesus. By February I was feeling pretty good about 2026. By the end of February, roughly mid March, I found myself on the ground, barely breathing, just rescued from my own damnation. The strangest part of the entire experience was that I found myself utterly surprised to be in such a state. I had thought myself better than I really was. My fall, and God’s lifting me back up, showed me the truth.
To better clear my mind and focus on God’s word and my relationship with Jesus, I thought I'd try fasting. Not typical fasting against food, but to give up sex for one month. I'm a lustful man, and I know this, and my wife would easily agree. This was never more evident then when I got married to Rainy and still found that I was finding time in the week to look at porn. I've given that up for a few years, and though the temptation still likes to show up randomly, I've resisted. This is where my fall surprised me. I am aware that I find a woman’s shape, her curves, her softness, absolutely beautiful. Though I thought myself beyond temptation at this point. To me the ocean is overwhelming in its beauty, its seeming endlessness. Mountains are my favorite, and they do demand my attention. Rainy, last we were in the mountains, more than once had to warn me to watch the road, because I kept being pulled towards the majesty of the mountains around us. Yet, a woman is God’s most beautiful, most captivating creation I have ever seen. Rainy will sometimes laugh or simply smile at me when she notices my attention is focused on her captivating beauty. And this I thought was why I was beyond temptation. I had given up porn. I have an absolutely beautiful wife that doesn't withhold herself from me. With pride and ego I walked into February thinking I'd finish the end of the month with only my wife being my greatest difficulty. (Rainy wasn’t thrilled about going an entire month without sex, which still surprises me. I thought she'd think it a break, some time off. I was wrong.) To my shame, to my utter shame, I fell hard and bloody in my fasting attempt. Instead of going without sex, which I failed thanks to my wife, I almost ended up cheating on my wife.
What started out as a joke shared even with Rainy, became a tease that almost led to adultery. An old friend had popped back into my life, mostly through gaming. Rainy knows her. I never tried to hide this and we've all shared in some good laughs and gaming together online. Somehow, a joke about sex one night, turned into texting that wasn't simply friendly. Then pictures were shared. Then a plan to meet up was created. She lives several hours away, so the plan took actual planning. Before I realized the hole I was digging to become my grave I was one step, one drive, away from committing adultery in the fullest sense of the word. The amazingly crazy part is that I was listening to the Bible this whole time at work and on my drives home. I had started the Bible Audible app sometime in January, and around mid March I was almost through it. God’s timing is perfect, because by the last step in my adulterous plan I was listening to Paul in the book of Romans. You want to get a life lesson, go visit the book of Romans in the new Testament. I was at work, still flirting on text, when it felt like my excuses and denial hit a stone wall. The book of Romans helped build that stone wall I think. Smashed against a wall that wouldn't tolerate any excuse I could throw at it, I felt like God then removed whatever shadows I’d been hiding in. I was out of road, no place to hide, and I had a choice to make. Keep up with my foolish, lustful desires, and accept all the pain, failure, and fallout that would come after, or put a stop to it right then.
I ended it that day before I left work. I then told Rainy. She's a better woman than I deserve, but I've known that for years now.
I found myself on the ground, utterly fallen, bloody and broken, and yet rescued by Holy, God in me. Over a month later, and I'm finally writing an article I've been trying to avoid. The shame of my fall has been difficult to get back up from. The arrogance of my beginning in February is gone. The shame remains, but it is a shame that has taught me much. It is also a shame that has held me in place. I wanted to write to continue my Journaling and lessons that readers can hopefully learn through my experiences from. Yet, I couldn't move forward without writing this journal entry. I couldn't write this entry for the longest time, but I knew there was no moving forward until I wrote it. Everyone falls, but not everyone talks about it. I didn't want to talk about it, but what if this helps someone else? I'm ashamed of my failure, my weakness, but it would be cowardice to pretend it never happened. I have grown, I have learned, from others being willing to admit their own stumbling blocks. So I, finally, am sharing this failure with you all.
Getting back up comes from God’s strength and the fact that he let's us fall, so we can learn that lesson. I am to blame for my fall, but I honestly think God let me get so lost on my own foolishness, so that I could see my own arrogance. I have no doubt God could've threw that stone wall up sooner. God could've thrown me from the shadows with ease at any time. I think he waited, so I could see just how weak and easily moved by sin I truly am. The lesson there , for me, was to never stop leaning on God because I'm never as strong or “good” as I think I may be. The next lesson was actually leaning on God, so I could get back up and keep going.
Getting back up after yet another fall isn’t denying a failure. Getting back up isn't about forcing yourself to keep going no matter what. (This is a lie that motivational speakers like to tell. In truth, you can't do it on your own, because eventually “no matter what” won't be enough to get you back up.) Getting back up is about admitting your failure, accepting that failure, but having hope you'll do better the next time. Hope, my hope, is on the love of God and his promises that he has given to his children. I know I failed, but I got back up because I have hope that God is making me stronger for the next time.
I've probably stated this before, but I'll say it again. The difference between a Christian and anyone else is that a Christian knows they are going to fail, they know they've failed before. To be a Christian is to accept that you have and will fall, but, to be a Christian is to also know and trust and hope in the God that loves you and wants to rescue you. Jesus Christ died, defeated death, and got back up again for us and to show us how it's done. The Holy trinity that is God didn't stop there. After Jesus rose and went back to heaven to prepare a place for us, he sent The Holy Spirit to love, nurture, and guide those of us that accept Jesus. This is the difference between a Christian and anyone else. This is the hope, the love, and the power that helps me get back up from any fall I've taken.
If you fall and you are struggling to get back up, ask for help.
Trust that Jesus loves you.