Journal Entry 58: Losing My Job
Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.
Journal Entry 58: Losing My Job
“The church is closing the daycare down, and selling it.” (Paraphrasing my bosses words here.)
Thursday, Day1: The metaphorical bomb that was dropped on me Thursday afternoon as I clocked out for the day.
I don't know how I could feel like a 500lb. Anvil was lowering down destroying my insides, while at the same time trying not to regurgitate all my insides into the outside. But that's exactly how I felt, as my boss told me the horrible news. The job I’d worked at for the last 20yrs was going to be shutdown and sold. Somewhere in my bosses telling of the doom to come, I kind of stopped listening to her. My focus went more to me keeping my knees from buckling and my stomach not vomiting up my ever-circling confusion of emotions. Somewhere in the conversation I signed a no-disclosure document that has passed now. At the end of the ‘meeting’ I found my way to my car and drove home letting a few tears roll out in solitude.
I told my wife, Rainy, the news. She hugged me, held me, and I let her. The only saving grace, and yet also more painful, was that I still had a job, for now. We’re a daycare, so in effort to give parents a chance to find a place for their kids to go, we’re staying open until the sale of the property is final. This could be next month; it could be 6 months. This is a gift in many ways to us employees and to the parents, but it sure does hurt to be part of a slowly decaying job that was basically your 2nd home.
Day1 sucked, and I give my sympathy to anyone who faces losing a career. I especially give my sympathy to anyone who loses a career that’s also the provider of their family. It’s a scary thing, and I still don’t know God’s plan, and I’m writing this on day 8, the following Thursday.
Friday, Day2: Day 1 was fear and confusion. Day 2 was still fear, still confusion, but a deep sadness owned the day.
I came back to work the next day in something of a zombie state of routine. I unlocked the gates, opened the doors, and began my morning work. I looked at my work with a sense of foolishness at first, with no coffee. Why was I working at a place that had just told me I was going to be let-go? I needed to pay the bills, and the job was still open, is the short answer. As I worked I got hit with a walk down memory lane. I’d been at this job for twenty years, 2 decades, so there’s a lot of memories. This place was home to all of my kids except my youngest three. I met my first wife here, became a single father that called the place home with five of my kids, found love and family here, held summer camps that kids (now adults) still brag about. I met my best wife here, Rainy. I made friends, made laughs and mistakes, I grew up within this job. These hallways, the church grounds, are LOADED with memories.
Once home I let my older kids know what was going on. They were concerned, I told them I was too. But I also reminded them God had taken care of us through a great deal of struggles over the years, and God wasn’t going to abandon us now. As I told them those words I reminded myself the same facts for the tenth time. I wanted to believe God had us, and everything was going to be fine, but part of me just wouldn’t let go of the worry.
Saturday – Sunday, Day3/4: Being able to wake up in my bed and not rush off to a dying job certainly helped me recover.
Saturday wasn’t so bad. The weekend was a rainstorm, so we spent all weekend chilling inside keeping things easy. I think I needed such a weekend. Saturday morning from 5am to 10am I was filling out applications. It sucked, but it was also the next step that I needed to take. The rest of Saturday was more upbeat, thankfully.
Sunday I was almost feeling like myself. Being a goofy husband with my wife, smiling happy dad when my kids weren’t acting crazy, it was close to normal. I asked God for forgiveness for my weakness and lack of faith. The hurt and fear hadn’t subsided entirely, it still hasn’t, but I know I should trust God more. I don’t know what God’s plans are for my family, but either way I know I need to trust him.
Monday, Day 5: One more day of rest.
I had scheduled to have this day off, so I could take two of my teenagers to church camp for the week. They were super excited. The place is amazing with ponds for fishing, swimming, archery, and about a thousand other things to do for a week. Bunk mates, late night fires, bible studies with small groups, it’s good for them and I’m glad they got to go. I’m sure they’ll be full of stories tomorrow when I go to pick them up.
On the way back from dropping Rain and Ryder off at camp, I took a detour through my old town. It was between me and home, so I figured why not? It wasn’t that big of a deal, just brought a smile to my lips as I passed through the place. Drove by my old home, down the roads I once walked with a group of friends. It was nice. I came home after, more rain on the way, and chilled with Rainy and the young kids for one more day of rest.
Tuesday, Day6: Back to the decaying corpse that is work.
I hated coming back to work. I hated coming back to work. I hated that I had to come back to a job that was slowly dying away, and I was stuck in it until we closed for good or until I could find another paying job to get me out. The place wasn’t the same anymore. The closing was a poison that has brought the vibe of the whole place down to borderline depressing. Teachers are trying not to cry and carryon regular conversation but bitter words come out, sadness breaks through, fear is in the air like smog over an old industrial city. I finished my work as fast as I could, and I asked the boss permission to leave early. She understood, told me I could go once I was done, and I bolted.
I was no better at home. The good feelings and recovery I’d gained over the weekend crumbled away.
Wednesday, Day7: No time to breath, good!
Wednesday was stupidly busy. I had a massive lunch that took almost every pot and pan in my kitchen, the work kitchen, to complete. I then had to clean it all up. I didn’t get it finished with the work until well after my time to clock out. This was a hard working blessing, as I didn’t have to think about the problems and decay. I just had to work and work fast.
The decision came to a head. On the way home from such a busy day, I managed to get an application into an IT job at Microsoft. I have no idea if I’ll get the job, but the chance to get it brought me to a decision point I’d been trying to avoid.
Path1: Do I pursue my old school path of IT and finish getting my CompTIA A+ certification along with the Google IT courses? I’d started a while ago but stopped in search of other pursuits. Now, with a job closing, the old path looked like the way to go.
Path2: (The path I was somewhat pursuing already) Get to YouTubing, Streaming, push more writing, write the book I’ve been working on, keep building up our online business, and basically go down the path of dreams less traveled. This path was fine and all until I was told I’d be out of a job soon. And in truth I’d not pushed myself hard in this path, but more walked lazily along it. My wife and I want this path, but we’d not pushed for it.
Path1 is your typical life. Get a career, build upon that career, and live your life. Yep, that’s the jest of it. Path2 is risky, chance of failure is high, and I’d still have to find some kind of job to keep the lights on. Path1 is me saying screw it, I’m going after the career and the lifetime of knowledge and training that it’ll demand and provide well for. Path2 is a dream of something bigger, maybe something wild in the long run, but put’s my family at risk and again, still requires me to work at some kind of job to make enough to survive.
I see these two paths in my head, and I have no doubt I’m blind to about a million paths God sees for me and the family he’s given me. Hopefully God will help me out here, as I trust him far more than I trust myself.
I went to bed last night with two paths drawn up on my bathroom mirror like thought patterns with question marks. How much I wish I could ask God a question like David, Moses, and Paul could. I’ve been given freedom for a reason, humans are free, but I still want God’s ultimate wisdom to help me in my foolish freedom that I’ve proven to mess up so often.
Thursday, Day8: Write this down.
Today is a day where I’m done being sad and depressed about this mess. I decided last night that I had to trust in Jesus’ love, God’s hands and grace, and just keep going. It’s a good place to be, if not void of fear, at least filled with a great deal more hope and a crazy kind of smile.
I don’t know what I’m doing yet. Applications are out there in the job world. I’ve sat and talked with Rainy about her thoughts on the situation and what she wants. She wants Path2, crazy woman she is. I love her, lol.
I knew I needed to write this down. This is a journal on life experiences as a simple Christian. Well, this is certainly a life experience. I’ve experienced fear, confusion, nausea, weakness, sadness, hope, love, and a faith that seems to endure in me through God more than my own strength or will.
Right now the bills are paid, food is in the fridge, and we’re still a family under God. I guess that’s the best I can ask for, really. One day at a time, because Jesus says so.
When there’s an update I’ll make sure to write it down. Thanks for keeping up.
Trust that Jesus loves you.